I think low self esteem isnt taken into account much and infiltrates every aspect of emotional suffering and mental illness. I know my self esteem is non existent! I think everything that ever goes wrong is my fault, I always worry that people wont like me and if anyone seems annoyed with me or disapproves then its almost like panic because I have to rectify it. Intellectually I think I am okay and have as much worth as anyone else, emotionally i feel like a pile of crap that isnt worth much - and its the emotional aspect that is pretty entrenched.

I am desparate to be loved, validated and approved of like I need air to breathe sometimes. I think if I had self esteem I would be able to believe in myself and not need this all the time.

How do you raise your self esteem, how does that happen? To me if feels like I cant raise mine unless someone loves me and approves of me first. Not permanently but at least until I can believe their view and believe in myself.

Are there practical things you can do to raise self esteem?

Hi Kirsty,

You say you have no self-esteem but I am going to argue with you about that - you recognise some of your 'behaviours' and ill-logical thinking so that shows me you have self-awareness in some degree and with awareness comes esteem!

You demonstrate a desire to change and that shows that you have self-esteem also. The fact that you are dissatisfied with your lot and how you feel about yourself demonstrates a willingness to self examination and to grow; people with the lowest esteem cannot do that. Comments like

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Intellectually I think I am okay and have as much worth as anyone else

and even the fact that you seek answers to your questions on these pages, all suggest that given a supporting relationship you could work through your difficulties.

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I am desparate to be loved, validated and approved of like I need air to breathe sometimes feels like I cant raise mine unless someone loves me and approves of me first

You are correct! You need to be loved! You deserve to be loved! but first you have to love yourself - you have to be the guage of your own worth and not try to live your life to meet what you believe others think or expect of you. You have to be the first person to approve of you.

Try something for me please - wriite out a list of your achievements - the things you are good at; what you are proud of; what people complement you on - and be honest while you do it becaue we all mange to do something well!
Then write down what YOU think makes you an unworthy person. Not something an abuser has told you or you think that others might think about you but thinks you KNOW.

I wonder which list is longer, which is most honest and which is most difficult to think about.

Andy

I'll tell you something else you are good at - I have been reading some of your posts to support others dealing with their issues!

Funny how easy it seems to be to see the positives and be supportive of others; yet not be able to be so affirming and supportive of self!!!!

Andy

I agree Andy in many respects. I am quite intuitive around other people and I have been told several times "you'd make a good counsellor" and very often I can give advice that I know I should be taking myself!

I think self esteem or your sense of self worth goes a lot deeper though. I can write a list of things I am good at and it may momentarily make me feel good but a sense of worth and value seems to be something that is ingrained, I can know my worth intellectually but I can never "feel" it or imbibe it so its always there and I have tried!

I cant stop the feeling always being there that when things go wrong around my ears that its my fault, that I dont deserve respect, that I need to be, do, achieve something before I can be acceptable. Intellectually I know that I am as okay as anyone else of course .. I just generally have trouble with self acceptance - always have.

There's probably a lot of people around like me and I dont know what the long term solution is. I do think however that when you raise self esteem in isolation then a lot of emotional distress, depression and other problems would be erradicated or certainly eased a great deal. I'm not sure why we dont have "Self Esteem" therapists, or Self Esteem courses! I think its crucial.

I'm not sure its possible to "love yourself" without ever having experienced a loving relationship.