I was determined this time not to get drawn into the Big Brother series, but my kids often have it on and well ... I have!

I was watching it the other night however when an almighty row errupted that started from something really silly and escalated and escalated and ended up nearly coming to blows and with one person spitting in another persons face, which of course is totally unacceptable, but it got me thinking about anger and how destructive it is in relationships. I grew up in a house where there was always anger and violence and angry people still scares me. When I get angry myself, I am full of shame and self reproach, I think its a really ugly and pointless emotion that hurts people

How can you respond when one person is in a rage and throwing venemous words at another? So often this ends up with two people vying for control and trying to out-shout the other. Its ugly! To just let the other person rage and throw insults whilst you are passive can sometimes be provocative in itself and its almost like giving in and being dominated by this anger.

The world seems very angry at the moment, especially teenagers and young people. I just wondered how you shold respond with someone who is in an unreasonable rage hurling insults, how do you defuse it?

Hi Kirsty,

I know what you mean about "Big Brother" Unfortunately people are a bit like sheep sometimes. (in my experience) They all jumped onto the bandwagon, after the person who caused offence had apologised. Taking it onto themselves to interfere and start demanding this and that. I suspect that when people get into groups this can happen and perhaps there was anger simmering beneath the surface for other reasons, so it was a chance to have a go.
I feel that the way some people respond to supposed threats has been learned. Anger is a normal emotion and we have every right to feel angry, but some people can be very confrontational and in your face. Going back to learned responses, I guess maybe some people have not been heard at times or have had to be heard above other confrontational people in their lives or maybe have been brought up to think this is an acceptable response. Others are more passive and hate conflict, so therefore avoid it.
When counselling clients with anger issues, I get them to identify their communication type. http://lewinsky.wordpress.com/2008/02/25/monday-meme-the-what-type-of-communicator-are-you-test/
They can then learn how some people communicate and have a better understanding of themselves.
I believe we can still express anger in an assertive way, without shouting in someones face. Being assertive means that you say what you want to say in a calm but assertive way. I personally would tell someone that I will not communicate with them until they can calm down a bit and walk away.

I echo what Gilly says thanks for the link Gilly have been looking for such a tool for a while. I do have my passive,aggresive and assertive stuff that I give clients but this tool is fabby.

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I just wondered how you shold respond with someone who is in an unreasonable rage hurling insults, how do you defuse it?

I find that alot of anger with insults and rage are about the agresser feeling anything from hurt, attatcked, insulted, and own personal beliefs and being literally pulled open. Its very primitive at this level anger I feel and is almost a survival of the core to maintain itself against the one that is attatcking. This is also a learnt response as Gilly says and one that has been practiced and witnessed from growing up in a environment that has shown this is the way to produce results.

In my expereince working with young people on anger manangement the quickest way to diffuse this anger is to listen and nod then wait. The aggressor is looking to be heard and have their very being acknowleged as OK .....

Thanks Gilly and Changes, I am just about to open that link Gilly
Thank you
xx