Hi,

Not sure where to post this...

You all seem very assertive. I admire how you express yourselves, and how you say things like - I can't take responsibility for your feelings or actions. I'm allowed to care, worry, and express my feelings. Things like that...

How do you learn to be like this? Are there any books you would recommend?

I tried learning to be assertive a few years ago, but it went a bit wrong and I ended up falling out with people..

Thanks

Group work for me Gaz , showed methat i was important too and self responsibility. Books are good but direct one on one in your face experience is the best form of learning as you can see it feel it.

hi gaz, hve a look at this website

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if you join up, they have a free cognitive behaviour therapy course that you could do. Its done in modules, at your own pace.

they have one on assertiveness, and i have done a little on that one, and have found it helpful

take care

love
rusty
xx

Hi Gaz,

I came to learn through training, that as much as you want to help someone, you are not responsible for them. (I am talking about a counselling situation) The only person you are responsible for is you. Part of someone becoming independent is to learn to be responsible for themselves. So as much as you feel for someone, as a counsellor, you can only help them to help themselves.

Hi Gaz

That is a really good question! I am sure there are many books on being assertive out there but i never read one in my life!! I guess i learned through life and life experiences, through listening to others (as you are doing here!), from my work (had to learn bloody quick when i became a police officer aged 19!!), from my training and group work, from my clients' experiences, through interacting with others in many ways and also through finding out about myself in my therapy. I personally think no amount of reading or learning theory can replace actual experience - that is the way we learn to become more aware and able to assert our needs appropriately. I am aware that there are also assertiveness groups around and wondered if perhaps you might be able to attend one in your area?

Fran xx

I don't believe in a cognitive way of learning self-esteem or confidence, or any other 'quality' for that matter. We are more than the sum of our parts and so working on just one thing is ultimately never going to make any deep-seated difference, in my opinion. Some online 'course' in cognitive techniques is a bit too good to be true, frankly.

I've probably learned the most from relationship - those that were successful and those that 'failed'. And learning to see the good in self and others, and also accepting everyone, me included, has a shadow side, too. I have learned a lot in therapy (after three years I should hope so!), too.

For me, assertiveness started with a workshop that was running locally and then kind of evolved in line with increased self-confidence and self-worth (through counselling). The fundamental breakthroughs were the realisations that a) selfishness and self-centredness are not the same as assertiveness and b) assertiveness is my defense to other peoples manupulation and thoughtlessness.

Like you, my initial attempts weren't too successful (I lost a few "friends" through it). With hindsight, this was a combination of me not being very skilled in assertiveness and also my choice of "friends" (the quotation marks are to indicate that a lot of them weren't friends, just acquaintances that I'd put too much trust in). However, it got easier the more I practised, to the point where it became second nature.

I still wouldn't class myself as Mr. Assertive 2008 but I'm OK with where I am with it all. And I don't spend time beating myself up for not saying what I felt at the time.

Seems like a common thing to lose 'friends' when you start becoming assertive.... DW i love this

Quote:

b) assertiveness is my defense to other peoples manupulation and thoughtlessness.

We all take on roles in life and sometimes the roles of 'friends' that they hold, are challenged when we become more confident it disempowers them so its obvious they will vent and rebel. And some even run off as they do not have a role no more or they dont fit in with the new one you give them.

I found with more skill at being assertive I was able to be heard without upsetting the cart as DW said, there is skill involved which does actually become second nature, once confidence builds. A good tip here is to use the phrase 'when you say that i feel......' over 'you make me feel' Taking responsibilty for own self and feelings and not blaming other.

Taking responsibilty for own self and feelings and not blaming other.

yes thats what assertiveness is for me, perfectly summed up in my mind

Hi All,

I found all your replies very helpful.

"hi gaz, hve a look at this website"

Thanks Rusty - I've just done the assertive module and it's definitely given me something to think about.

Being in a wheelchair, I feel people seem to talk over me or at me, and not talk to me. It's very annoying, and it's just up to me to make sure they don't any more.

Thanks Everyone