Well that says it all - I hate it - it controls me, it makes me hate myself and my life, it all feels so empty and meaningless.

I push myself hard to get out and do something and for what for me to feel bad about myself, sometimes I think it would be easier just not to exist or to live as a hermit away from the world.

Sorry for the post

FORD

Why you sorry?

i am sorry because I am causing other people grief by posting meaningless rubbish - obviously its not meaningless to me it is real and I dont like it, but to other people I am sure it sounds stupid and ridicilious etc. I am sure you could all be doing something better than replying to me! I really need to "get a life"!

FORD

Your not causeing me grief . Your life is not rubbish or meaningless to me I hear it is not to you either. Your worried you are sounding stupid and ridiculious and yet this place is set up for people to explore feelings and anxiety is just one of them so for my part I come here because I choose to and if I respond I choose to also.

I hear its diffiicult to except peoples interest in you. I hear you have a life yet you question getting one

I think I am just quite confused at the moment and not really thinking rationally and sensibly, I have many thoughts all muddled in my head and cant seem to get them straight and in order, and when I try to address some of them they cause a panic/anxiety attack which then makes me more frustrated with myself, so I keep turning these things back onto myself.Today is one of those days when I cant see things getting any better and I am in self destruct mode, I want to hurt myself - but I know that is also wrong so I just want to curl up in a corner somewhere.

My life is a muddle - I feel like I am wasting it and not doing anything to make it meaningful or worthwhile - sorry but that is just how I feel!

FORD

Hey go easy on yourself Ford!! I suspect that much of your anxiety and panic is fuelled by your very harsh beliefs about yourself - and if you feel that way about yourself that will be projected onto us here - you will think we believe you are stupid and ridiculous and that what you say is meaningless rubbish. That is not the case and i do not feel any of those things - they belong to you ok. I am glad you have been able to say these things here.

Ford, are you in therapy at the moment? I think it would be so beneficial as the work cannot be done here. We can support you but it has to be done face to face. I can see you are having such a struggle and i feel that a therapist who can help you to start liking yourself would so help you.

Try to stop beating yourself up as this is causing you such pain and angst.

Here and listening. xx

Yes I am in therapy - had 18 weeks at MIND then I had to find a private therapist - after a couple of goes, I found someone I can work with, so just going into about week 10 with her. The issue I have is that I find it very difficult to verbalise as compared to writing it down, but my first counsellor didnt like me writing things down, so now I dont do that (havent asked this therapist how she feels about things being written down) I dont think it was the writing down as such more that she wanted me to actually explain what I had written, do she could appreciate the context etc.

Hi Ford. It sounds like you are having a really tough time right now. Hopefully writing it down is helpful.

In my own experience writing can be so therapeutic. I have written "books" in the past. What helped me in particular was taking what I had written to therapy, reading parts of it, and getting into the flow that way. It didnt always work for me, but the times it did were very significant. My words would often go when I tried to speak, but, like you, would come tumbling out when I wrote. My writing created a bridge between me and my therapist. thankfully he had recognised how hard it was for me to speak.

As a counsellor I encourage clients to write IF it helps, and they too sometimes feel it much easier to at least start a conversation in this way.

It might be worth suggesting to your counsellor that this might help. remember it is about you and your needs, and about what helps YOU.

Keep writing-this is how many of us process all kinds of things.

Go gently

Hello Ford,

Like Fran I hear you being so hard on yourself. I have read some of your other posts and you have been quite active in other areas of your life. What would it be like for you to congratulate yourself sometimes for what you do do. It is a habit when we perpetually put ourselves down. We get into a negative spiral and cannot see any positives in anything. You have to learn to be kinder to yourself, instead of expecting perfection, because it really is ok to just be average or even below average. It is ok to just be you, the way you are. Perhaps you could try telling yourself that you have more courage than you give yourself credit for. Learn to give yourself a pat on the back for trying.