Hi,

I have a hard time with relationships - particularly potentially intimate ones. When a person wants to get to know me I automatically become defensive, but when they back off I want them to get closer.

I realised I did this with my last therapist - she was aware of it happening but we didn't work with it. I've recently started seeing another therapist.

My mother left me when I was 18months old and I was wondering whether this has something to do with it. I've also had a few abusive experiences with my family and an ex-boyfriend.

Does anyone have any experience of this, and if so, is it simply a case of me making a conscious decision whether to let someone in or not?

Thanks

Hi Sunshine,

Could you say a bit more about being defensive? I'm wondering how you go about being defensive: do you push them away, put up barriers or run away?

All three I'm afraid...

I mainly put up a wall... I don't tend to realise what I've done until I've left the situation and I'm on my own. When I'm with a person who is trying to be friendly, I want to scream at them to back off because I feel afraid. I want to let them get close to me, but it seems like there's this 'push/pull' going on all the while and it drives me crazy.

I do tend to live in a 'big glass box' - it's like... I'm OK with people until they start to get emotionally close and when they do, I start to go 'prickly'. I push people away and then wonder why they don't want to know me!!

I'm terrified of feeling any sort of emotion when I'm around people, so I'm wondering whether that has something to do with it - I'm trying to deal with that in counselling at the moment.

Hi Sunshine,

It sounds a bit like there are attachment issues, especially with the severance of your mother at a tender age. If I was you I would look for an attachment-based therapist. I had very hit and miss (largely unavailable) parenting in the first 5 years, was in care at 4 .. amongst other stuff going on, so I also have very difficult relationship issues not unlike yours. I found the attachment therapist I see works on this specifically and they traditionally focus on the "secure base".

I'll pm you some details and stuff that might be of interest

Thanks, that's great.

Yes - my current therapist mentioned 'a secure base' briefly the other week - so it sounds like we're on the right track :-)

I am glad your therapists understands your need for a secure base. I have just sent you a pm. If you are settled in therapy, the information will still be helpful, there are a few articles on the link under attachment. Unfortunately there is much information around on attachment issues and children, but not much about adults (as if the children never grow up!!) but it is changing and adults with attachment issues are becoming more widely understood now and are being helped

I have an identical situation as you around relationships. I can relate to the "living in a box" description. Its like the thing you most crave is feeling secure, held and loved and the thing you most resist at all costs is closeness. I battled for years feeling isolated and alone nd still do but I feel it is breaking down now and trust is coming .. painstakingly slowly but I can feel myself changing just a little.

So good news Sunshine! Its not set in stone.

Good luck xx

For what it's worth, you seem to have a very good, detailed awareness of what's going on for you, and this is a good starting point to work from in your therapy.

Re. your abandonment at an early age, if it's significant enough to mention now then perhaps it would it be worth looking at further with your therapist?

Conscious decisions about letting people in - well that might work. Again, you mention it so maybe there would be some merit in it. However, the heart can sometimes have difficulty buying in to what the head decides - usually for a reason. Maybe another area for a closer look?

Thanks for your reply.

Yes - it does seem that it is mainly down to my attachment issues.

The mind-body idea is a thought - although I strongly agree with the theory, I've always felt that mine aren't very well (if at all) connected...

Yes everything mentioned here makes sense Sunshine. It sounds as if you are detached when people try to get close and there could be a fear of emotions overwhelming you if you allowed them out. Fear of rejection, etc. Good luck with your therapy.

Yes, that's exactly how it is!! Emotions weren't acceptable when I was growing up, so I seem to cut off when people try to get emotionally close. Thanks for your reply :-)