Hi Kirsty,

I am sorry I seemed to have slipped over not seeing your post sooner.
You have a very clear way of reasoning as you have demonstrated with answering Andy's comments.
I have a few responses to what you have written. They are not the ultimate "truth" but they are my understanding, so feel free to disagree if you want.

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I have awareness and insight into my problems in abundance. I know exactly why i have the problems I have, can retrace them back to their origins in detail and could write a book on how I got here .. but still I experience life in the same way - albeit more aware of what is going on, but nevertheless still experiencing pain and struggle

I see awareness as the first step really, not a "cure". I feel we can go through life not realising why we feel as we do, but just experiencing and repeating similar patterns over and over again. When we become aware of what we are doing this then gives us "choice". Of course we still experience pain and struggle because this can be a part of our life.
Perhaps as part of your experience you have learned that it is hard to trust that someone will not let you down, if you put your trust in them. So you have a choice. It feels a bit "dodgy" out there and you can choose not to put yourself "out there".

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I am actually liked and quite popular at work and with the people that I do associate with, but its a very superficial kind of friendliness, even though I quite like people, I do not know how to allow any emotional attachments, so I close my door at the end of the day where I feel very alone and unhappy, but safe. I dont do what I most need to do because even though lonliness is intolerable the fear and inevitable consequences for me emotionally of it all going pear-shaped, or worse - abandonment, are far bigger.

I hear that you like people, but to you it feels superficial. Perhaps your feeling is, "Well they say all the right things, but really they don't care. They don't really want to put themselves out."
If you do feel something like this, I agree that not everyone does care for you in a deeper way and it's possible that if you trusted someone, they could let you down. This to me is a fact, it has been my experience too. But I have also learned that perhaps my expectations of others were too high sometimes and people are human with failings, but it does not mean they are uncaring, to me they are just thoughtless sometimes. I can accept this. Sometimes we can expect something of someone and expect them to know this, without us expressing our need. Sometimes we can be afraid to express our need in case we are rejected. I also except that a person has a right to reject me too. I feel as if I have reached a place where this does not "floor" me, because I have enough belief in myself to know that ok this is one person, but it is not everyone. I also realise that not everybody is in a place to take this kind of risk. The child part of us may have experienced rejection and abandonment as a child and the memory of this influences how we perceive the world and people, so we make a decision to never risk being in this positions again. I feel that after awareness we have a choice and sometimes this involves taking a little risk (not a big one) because if we are never prepared to take a small risk, we will never find out any different will we? Taking a risk can involve pain and that is the risk we take, but it does not mean we are less of a person because it turned out wrong. It requires a bit of faith perhaps, that someone out there will understand how we feel, but not everyone will.

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I then have a kind of switch inside where I literally feel like a small child and need that person desperately. The need for validation and connection from that person is no less intense than a small child screaming to be picked up. I need to be their child. I need them to love me at a level that is off the wall! I switch from being isolated and cut off to the other extreme and being obsessively attached to someone.

Again this is (to me) about our expectation of someone else. To fill all the holes for us. Is this fair? We can sometimes feel so bad about ourselves that we elevate someone else to a higher place. We can forget that they are human and maybe it is not in their capacity to fill all the holes for us. We expect them to be all caring and to understand us, but sometimes they cant. Here again I feel this is about acceptance of this. A partner ship is or can be an equal one. Instead of expecting them to conform to understanding us and supporting us, perhaps we need to see that they need support from us too and that we will accept them warts and all, just as we want to be accepted with all our difficulties. The child in you needs a parent, this is how you feel, but in a relationship that is equal, you both see that the other can be imperfect at times, but you can still care for each other. This is frightening and risky. It's also about a leap of faith. If someone you become involved with really treats you badly then I guess it is up to us to have the courage to leave and face our fears of being alone. To me all the things I have said above I have experienced and learned. I have learned that life is not always safe, but I have the strength to get through it, because I can survive and grow from difficulties. There was a time I wanted to hide away. I dont anymore.

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I don’t believe however that this fear and way of reasoning is set in stone, I think 'reprogramming' can happen.

You said it! The only way to deal with fear is to go through it. I dont know about re-programming, but for me taking risks, starting out small is how I did it. Awareness continues to develop, with the risks we take and hopefully a deeper understanding and acceptance.

Hello Gillian,

thank you very much for that response. I actually printed it off and read it a few times. Most of it I have taken on board and will think on quite a bit. Thank you! There are just a couple of things however that maybe I didnt get across too well.

My attachment disorder is very complex. there are a lot of aspects of it that I havent got across on here and are too deep and would take me too long and not really for a public space. There are aspects of this where I simply do not have control and as such do not have choices, even though I understand it. The periods of needing people too much (which doesnt happen often) but when this happens its almost like suddenly being possessed by a desparate baby (I actually feel very young). I have no more control or choice of this process than I have a choice to breathe, I just have this enormous need. I have a clear understanding of what is going on, I have learned to understand it over the years, but its just like many people with OCD may know why they have compulsions, but if only I had choice to say I wont feel this, this is disproportionate and unreasonable (which I know it is!) Its not something that I can decide note to have; if only I did!

I dont relate to my isolation as a choice through fear, although this is probably just what it is I agree, butI am not consciously afraid of anything. Its so very difficult to force myself to form close relationships with people (even knowing that this would do me good) when I feel so totally resistent. Its like being told that eating snails are good for you and being so repulsed and resistent that you just cant do it. This is how I am about cultivating relationships beyond the superficial. I just dont know how to have an 'equal' reciprocal relationship, I really dont! Its something I have never had and something I dont really know how to go about. I am a good carer, I can be very close to people that I need to look after, which fortunately has enabled me to be a good parent, but it doesnt feel to me about taking a risk, it feels like trying to be something that I am just not, something that is alien to be anything other than isolated. by the same token I am excrutiatingly lonely and need closeness.

I need help Gillian, I cant resolve this through reason, even though I know all the reason and I think what you said is totally reasonable and realistic. I actually agree with most of what you said. I just dont have the ability to change it, or so it seems, not without help. I dont know if I have explained this any better?

Whats really not helping me at all is crawling through every day with depression. I am so used to depression I just function through it, I dont think I have known a day that I dont cry when Im on my own, some days are better than others and I am okay, at least outwardly, when people are around, but I feel very hopeless in side all the time, it doesnt leave any energy or motivation for anything else, even attempting to "get out there". I had a really difficult therapy sessions this evening, I just feel let down there, which again may not be realistic either but maybe I shouldnt be answering this from such a bad place.

Hello Kirsty,

I understand more now about where you are. Perhaps I have not fully understood how dibilitating this has been for you, but now you have explained, I do. Of course, I was speaking about my experience, in the hope that it might help, but I also recognise that there are degrees of wounding. My wounded self and my experiences were (it sounds) not as disabling as yours. Margaret Mahlers theory of the "Good enough" parent I think applies to me. Parents can be "good enough" and this gives us a basic grounding for our lives and a secure enough attachment. Some early life experiences dont give us a good enough attachment and it sounds as if you didn't get this. I can see how the knowledge of what happened to you is not necessarily useful if you have never been given the basic tools for seperation from parents. In order to seperate from our carer, we first have to make an attachment. In my case it was a good enough attachment. Perhaps in your it wasn't. So maybe what you need to learn very slowly is to make an attachment whereby someone else can give you the understanding and the tools, so you can slowly learn to make healthy attachments with others and then see yourself as seperate from them.. You do have the ability Kirsty, because you have done this with your children, but I understand the difficulty and my experience is not your experience. You have a spiritual attachment also. You feel this, because you have expressed this here. Keep hold of that and let it guide you. Depression is a horrible thing (i have experienced clinical depression) I do not know if you have found this or not, but sometimes in my deepest despair, I have found my spirituality. You have my utmost respect and I am glad you have been able to explain so clearly to me how you feel. I am sorry that your session was difficult for you tonight. I hope you have time to reflect on things and find a few gems somewhere to comfort you.

Kirsty have actioned that space for you if you would like me to move anything of what you have wrote here just let me know