I thought it might be helpful to post the stages of grieving after a loss.
Of course not everyone grieves in the same way, but these stages do tend to be the normal pattern of early grief. I am becoming aware that some people deal with loss in many different ways and of course it depends on the kind of relationship one has had with the deceased person, so feelings of guilt and regret can also be felt, if the relationship was lacking in some way. Some people fall to pieces and some people seemingly cope, so there is no "right" way to grieve.

The Five Stages of Grief

The five stages of grief, as outlined by Dr. Kubler-Ross include denial and isolation, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Let’s take a closer look at each individual stage.


First Stage- Denial and Isolation

In the first stage, denial and isolation, a person denies to him or herself and to everyone around him that a loss has occurred. The person fights the reality of the situation by denying that there even is one. Often a person withdraws from his/her social activities and spends more and more time by himself. This stage can last for hours, days, and sometimes weeks, depending on the individual and the impact of the loss.


Second Stage- Anger

In the second stage, that of anger, a person is angry- angry at him/herself for the loss that took place, angry at the loved one who died for letting it happen and just plain angry at the world. On a rational level the person knows that none of what transpired was his/her fault but is functioning on a purely emotional level at this particular juncture.


Third Stage- Bargaining

The third stage is bargaining which can often occur either before or after a loss and usually involves bargaining with God. A person suffering may ask of God, “If I do this (or don’t do this) will you make the pain go away?” Or sometimes a person will say something to God along these lines, “If you make it not so, I promise that I will …”


Fourth Stage- Depression

The fourth stage is depression, and it takes place when the pain in the form of anger and despondency reaches its height and causes the grieving person to feel numb and deadened inside. The numbness leads to feelings of depression and usually a great deal of lethargy. Some people entertain thoughts of suicide at this stage. This stage is also the easiest to get stuck in.


Fifth Stage- Acceptance

The fifth and final stage, that of acceptance, completes the process. The mourning period with all of its roller coaster emotions begins to dissipate at this time and the grieving person is now ready to accept the reality of what has taken place. True healing cannot occur until there is acceptance of the loss. Once that happens, the person is free to move on with his/her life because the loss has been put into its proper context.

Thanks Gilly im sure people will find this helpful (made it a sticky)

sue

you know gilly, i have often thought that this grieving process can be applied to all sorts of loss, including addictions.

for me

stage 1 - denial

it took me a long time to realise i had a problem, maybe a couple of years.

stage 2 - anger

why could everyone else gamble responsibly but i couldnt. boy was i angry, and took my frustrations out on the industry. I still have some of that unresolved. With the changing of the gambling laws coming in on 1st sept, i think i will need to be tied to my chair when i see the adds coming on tv


stage 3 - bargaining

for a while i went through trying to control my gambling, i would put self imposed limits on my gambling - if i only spend x, if i only play poker for points, if i ration the amount of scratch cards i buy, and so the list goes on. None of them worked, i totally disregarded all of them

Stage 4 - depression

it took a long long time for me to come to terms with my recovery, and was very depressed in the early months, a lot of other factors in there too, but coming to terms with not being able to gamble again was very sad for me.

stage 5 - acceptance

gambling was my friend. it was there for me in times of stress, happiness, boredom, or just for the hell of it. Letting my friend go was so so difficult, but when i finally managed to let my gambling go i realised that it was not the friend i thought it was, and so accepting that i couldnt gamble did become that bit easier


love
rusty
xx

Rusty this model can be applied to lots of things. I believe that Dr. Kubler-Ross orginally developed these stages when working with terminally ill patients.

I know when revising for level 3 exam we learnt that if there was a question on grief, the preferred answer was not Dr. Kubler-Ross unless we could give examples of how it worked. However for me, i related best to her model, and could remember it!!

The model is also good at looking at how clients feel when T is ending, especially if it is long term T or a special connection that was developed.


If it helps to relate it to a very everyday situation, here is the dead battery story:

You’re going to be late to work so you rush out to your car, place the key in the ignition and turn it on. You hear nothing but a grind; the battery is dead.

DENIAL – What’s the first thing you do? You try to start it again! And again. You may check to make sure the radio, heater, lights etc. are off and then… try again.
ANGER – “bloody car!! I should have junked you years ago” Did you slam your hand on the steering wheel? I have “I should just leave you out in the rain and let you rust”
BARGAINING – (realising that you’re going to be late for work) … “Oh please car, if you will just start one more time I promise I’ll buy you a brand new battery, get a tune up, new tires, belts and hoses, and keep you in perfect working condition”
DEPRESSION – “Oh God, what am I going to do. I’m going to be late for work, I give up. My job is at risk and I don’t really care any more. What’s the use”
ACCEPTANCE – “OK. It’s dead. Guess I had better call the Auto Club or find another way to work. Time to get on with my day; I’ll deal with this later”

taken from

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I really enjoyed reading both your posts Rusty and Dibs and it just goes to show that any loss of any kind can bring on these responses. Isn't it strange how we think we can bargain our way through something? It's almost like saying first "I don't believe this!" Then when it sinks in that something maybe out of our control we get angry and then we try and bargain (with whom?) perhaps because as has been mentioned we don't want to let go completely. Then comes the inevitability or loss of control and eventually (hopefully) acceptance.

bargaining - maybe as children we learn if we bargain we can compromise on things we don't want to happen. For example, mum wants child to eat all peas. Child says no. Mum says eat 1/2, child says no, etc etc, until the bargaining gives a compromise both the mum and child are happy with.

Maybe we take all those little experiences as children bargaining with parents, into adult life.

Ever noticed how we will say things like, if i do this, i can have this or if i don't do this, i can have this etc. Imagine a client ending with counsellor, which is not up for decision, there no of sessions is up. Client says "If i pay you move can i keep coming", "If i only come fortnightly can i still come", "If i can't come here and see you can we meet up outside for a coffee" etc. All bargaining.